My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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