he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
