so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
