Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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