she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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