Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What drink are we having for lunch?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
