my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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