When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize