Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Randomize
