my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
