just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this