just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My vagina is officially offended.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.