My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.