Need sex. Gaining weight.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident