I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.