I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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