she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
