it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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