So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
