Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
