I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
