Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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