i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
