How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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