I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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