Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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