So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
