Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
