Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
