she was so not down for the gang bang
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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