It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
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I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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