i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
