Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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