I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
