i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
