So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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