Where did you get a picture of my penis
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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