Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
