i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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