Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
