wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i need some magic done to my vagina
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
