I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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