There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
