Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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