Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
