I just threw up on my dentist
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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