i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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