she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
