I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
