I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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