you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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