god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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