it hurts more in the daytime
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
