I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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