When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
