I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
