Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
