if i can run in heels then i can drive
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
